Forget to remember.

This is the day that I take a deep breath and forget.

Forget to remember everything I THOUGHT I knew about You.

Everything I thought I knew about love.

Just everything.

Ladies and Gents: it's a simple thought..so I'll keep it short and sweet.

I began keeping a journal last Christmas...or at least tried to begin one...about a subject that I thought I knew something about: Love. Relentless love.

In my humble opinion, I thought that my track record of failed relationships had awarded me enough knowledge to pretend to know something about how love SHOULD actually go. Wrong.

In fact, I submit to you that even the most loving of beings cannot fully grasp the concept of what love SHOULD be. That's right. Couples who have been married for 50..60..70 years can never fully wrap their minds around the concept of love as it was intended.

This is a thought that I'll expound upon later so I'm going to just start you off with a little teaser as I get back into the feel of writing more frequently. So here we go....

I am amazed by the concept that the one thing that we are built to crave is the one thing that we are incapable of giving. Relentless love.

Our souls long for it.

Our bodies crave it.

Everything that we are hungers for a relentless love.

..but there is nothing within our frail human condition that can manufacture that type of love.

Everything about our condition is built on a time clock. Our time is limited.

Our bodies will die..and even our truest love will end when we expire.

It's not that our love is not true...but, rather, we are incapable of creating the type of love that we are built to crave.

..but we try.

and try.

and try.

We try relationship after relationship. Go from person to person. Hoping that with each new person that comes into our lives there will come a new chance that our longing will finally be satisfied. We hope that we will finally find the one person that totally completes us.

..but when you go in with that perspective you are destined to fail.

So eventually you'll find yourself back at ground zero..seeking after that one thing that somehow always eludes you.

I'm learning my lesson.

Or maybe I've just pretended like I haven't known it all along.

Hoping somehow that I could change that and somehow "manufacture" for myself what I needed. Once again, human logic bites the dust.

I guess what I'm really driving at is that I accept and acknowledge the inability and inadequacy of myself (or anyone else) to be THAT kind of lover. I cannot give eternal love.....as much as I would like to believe or promise. I will disappoint you.

But...I do know who can satisfy.

And I want to chase Him for a change.

..but in order to do that

I must make this the day that I take a deep breath and forget.

Forget to remember everything I THOUGHT I knew about Him.

Everything I thought I knew about love.

Just everything.

The Art of Resilience.

I've got a feeling that I'm preaching to the choir on this one, ladies and gents. However, you are always more than welcome to jump in and dance if the shoe fits.

In regard to the study of physics, resilience is the property of a material to absorb energy when it is deformed elastically and then, upon unloading to have this energy recovered.

Something that really stuck out in my mind about this definition was the ambiguity that we can apply to human resilience, namely emotional resilience. One of the main things that spoke to me was the use of the word 'energy'. As frail human beings, we are directly affected (whether negatively or positively) by our ability (and sometimes curse) to "absorb energy" from the situations that come into our little lives. Another striking thing about this thought is that, according to the definition, there had to be an initial absorption of the energy that served as the reason for the deformity. At some point in every 'damaged' situation there had to be some form of negative energy applied to create the inconsistency or the deformity. Granted, some situations materialize on their own..but in most cases there is always a reason for the madness.

A perfect way to show this can be to look at an adult with trust issues in a relationship. They were not born with this tendency, but rather it was something that they learned at an earlier point in their life...whether that was as a child due to parental neglect or later in life when a relationship with a loved one went south. Either way, there had to be some outside source that they allowed in only to cause of a state of damage.

I think a valid point can be made that people who allow those "forces" into their lives do so with a blind sense of trust. The "forces" that they let into their lives are people that they trust greatly. They do not expect to be left in a state of brokenness..and, in most cases, the people doing the damage do not do so with the intent to harm. "It just happens". There will be those whose purpose is to destroy..but for the most part, people just make mistakes. It's naive to believe that anyone is 'above' being capable to disappoint you. By the same token, do not believe that you are above that point as well. It is the stark reality of humanity.

The beauty of resilience is the part where the energy is 'unloaded', as the definition put its. There has got to be a point where you simply just 'let it go'.

Plain and simple, your ability to 'get on with your life' lies directly in your ability to put on your big-girl panties (sorry guys) and get over it.

You've been hurt? Take a number.

You've been lied to? Who hasn't?

You've had your trust betrayed? You're not the last.

The sad truth is that, in some cases, the 'forces' that caused the damage in the first place aren't losing any sleep over it. They're not too concerned with what damage they left in their wake..and by dwelling on it all you're only giving them the power to limit your recovery and robbing yourself of restoration.

I do not attempt to make light of the hardships of others..for I've had a few in my time. I understand the emotional pain of betrayal and the sting of broken trust. In fact, I'm sure there will be days to come in which I will find myself dealing with some sort of emotional pain again. It's not something that we can expect to escape. This does not mean, however, that we should live under a rock and shut ourselves off from society. In all reality, we should take the exact opposite approach. We're not guaranteed that we'll never be 'stretched to the limit' again or that we'll never deal with any stress..but by learning to secret to resilience (and just 'letting it go') you can know how to always 'bounce back'.

The beauty of resilience is the 'bounce back' factor. Things may not have always been good..but by the smile on your face, the world will never know. You'll love again..trust again..and be all the stronger for the bumps and the lessons you learned along the way.

As Christians I think we live under this false pretense that we're supposed to be God. By that, I mean that we expect to be able to forgive AND forget instantly. No disrespect, but God may have a 'Sea of Forgetfulness' but I haven't found mine yet..and to some extent I believe that is a healthy thing. I'm not saying that we should hang things over the heads of others (which I'm working on....I promise). It takes a wise, balanced person to be able to forgive a person for a situation and then take measures to learn from their experiences (the 'not forgetting part'). It's okay to struggle...or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

...buuuuuuut back to resilience.

I'm attempting to learn the art...and I won't make any false pretenses: it's hard work.

There will be days where I will question things..question the people I love..and that's okay. It's part of the process.

However, as I said in an earlier blog..

Don't make excuses. Don't run away.

Don't be shy. Don't be afraid.

Love deeply. Purely

That is the TRUE art of resilience.

Healing.

There is something powerful about the phrase ' I love you'.
Three simple words. Granted, probably the most overused and abused words in the English language..but nonetheless, they are the words with the power to shatter someone's world or piece together the ruins of ancient history...all in a matter of seconds.

It's sad to think of all the people who have wasted those words. Wasted them one those who would never fully grasp their meaning or appreciate the heart from which they were offered. At the same time, it amazes me how those same unappreciated hearts -even with all their damage-are the ones who continue to pour out of themselves as if they were never were disappointed in love.

I do not profess to be an unappreciated soul for I believe that I have been loved and have loved a time or two. I do, however, believe that we are all (to an extent) damaged merchandise. I think that, in each of us, there are portions of who we are that bear witness to the things we've endured..even if most of the world never sees that portion of our souls. Chips in our foundations. Battered faith. Shattered hope. They are all small enough to go undetected to the majority of those who pass us by..but big enough to leave their marks in our makeup.

I've always had a thing about scars...but not in a creepy sense. I have been drawn to them because of the story that they tell. In my opinion, a body with scars is a body that has been 'lived in'...a life that has been proven to one extent or another. By the same token, I guess it could be said that a heart with scars is a heart that has seen and given love. This doesn't necessarily mean that it will be pretty, just as scars usually aren't beautiful. If anything, a scar will most often leave behind a defect, whether solely physical or functional. Alot of the time, I believe that we all live under the misconception that love (as the world sees it) is always a beautiful thing. We would all like to keep 'love' nice and clean..like a dime-a-dozen line in a mass-produced Valentine's Day card or a box of chocolates.
Conveinant given. Easily accepted.

The truth is that love, as we have made it, is messy. We all hope to have the effortless version of love that we see in every Hallmark movie..but, in most cases, the thing that we've come to associate with 'love' is anything but effortless. From that point we just assume that love is the issue..that there is something tainted about it all. Instead, the only thing tainted is the thing that we have concocted and labeled as 'love'. Our version. Our terms.
It's important for me to remind myself that 'love' is not the rascal responsible for our damage. Love, as it is intended, is meant to serve as the antidote to all evils. Pure love.

That is the hardest concept to wrap my mind around...especially when I see those around me falling to pieces..relationship after relationship. It's difficult to swallow all the things that we do..all in the name of 'love'. It's hard to not develop a bad taste toward something as this that has been so manipulated and exploited. Sadly, the image of pure love that each of us were meant to clearly envision and behold in our mind at one point or another has been scarred by one unskilled, wanton surgeon after another..and another..and another.

The question remains:
Is 'love' the victim in this or are we, the scarred who remain, to play that part?

As painful as it is to receive, I propose that each of us play the dual roles of the reckless surgeon and the pitied victim. In fact, we play them well.

I am guilty of leaving damage in my wake...as I'm sure you are. I've left my mark on a heart that now bears a scar..and it's something that weighs heavily on my mind. I'm not proud by any means..and I do not attempt to rationalize away my contrition. If anything, I have learned from my botched attempt how to never hurt another in that manner again. I think we would like to imagine that every surgeon that leaves behind a painful rememberence upon us does so with ill intent. The truth is that most of us get hung up on the scar itself..rather than the symbolism that it bears for the deeper issue that is now resolved within us. Granted, with some operations there will be cases of unneccessary damage..cuts that never should have been made and ,as a result, scars that serve only as reminders of how we were wronged. Before you and I jump to play the roll of the victim we need to do an assessment of our own last work. I'm sure that we've made some pretty unneccessary slices on the hearts of others as well.

Coming back to 'pure love' is anything but easy. In the best of cases, there are incredible amounts of damage brought to the table from both sides when relationships materialize. Some scars may be more recent than others..more colorful..too painful to touch yet. Some may already have started to fade. The thing that is consistent, however, is the fact that nearly every situation demands some degree of therapy. The point of physical therapy, in a medical sense, is to facilitate the healing process. Simple things that probably came more naturally at one point have to be revisited and slowly brought back to memory and practice. The same is necessary when it comes to relationships. Things that once were so easy to give..trust, patience, allegiance..have to be slowly be brought back into our lives. They have to be won back..just as physical therapy is gradual process.

Healing may not be immediate..but, the fact remains, scars do heal. Eventually.

Ode to Small Town, USA

This morning I woke a lil' late (which is nothing all too unusual really). There's nothing altogether graceful about me before 12 p.m., so I stumbled through the house with Tyson in my arms and walked out on the front porch to let him do his thing. I was sitting there on the porch waiting on him when I noticed a very slow moving tractor rolling down the highway. Yes. A tractor.

It's nothing all that out of the ordinary, but it really made me just sit there and think "Wow, I live in the sticks". HaHa. I moved to Comanche about 3 years ago from suburbia. (And for all of you Iowa Park-ians disagreeing with that statement, I challenge you to visit Comanche and then I'm sure you'll agree that Comanche definitely is more 'country'). Iowa Park was a little bedroom community small enough to know everybody else's business but still close enough to Wichita Falls (and a decent mall at that) to really have any complaints about going without. Little did I know back then that I would one day live in a little town much smaller, and much farther from any decent shopping.

The shocking fact of the matter is that I really don't have it.

So much has changed about me since I moved to this area. I've been to real rodeos..the kind that don't include acclaimed country stars and fancy lighting, but rather draw hundreds of legit child bull riders out of the woodwork. You don't find that in the city. Here I found that most can identify the caliber of a person by their belt buckle more quickly than they could ever spot a pair of Jimmy Choos. In fact, brand names mean nothing around here...and its a nice change. I've learned bits of pieces of Spanish that I never would have heard in a classroom...and by that I mean that I've learned what not to say (haha). I've learned that, for the most part, fun is free and there's really nothing bad about being able to say that you had a graduating class of only 93 people.

You may can count the number of restaurants in town on both hands, but you can guarantee that most of the owners know you by name and you'll have a waitress who can pretty much walk up to you and ask if you want you 'usual'. The mayor may also be your eye doctor..but at least that way you don't have to go to the trouble of making that extra appointment when you need to talk to him about making a change. Just go for your check-up and give your two cents while you sit in the chair.

It's funny that some very influential and famous people has chosen to sittle here and live nearby. Jewel and Ty Murray live about 40 miles away in neighboring Stephenville. There's a retired NFL player who lives down the road,put his children in the CISD school system, and is investing in the community. Another NFL player on the road to his own position as an NFL scout, and eventually coach, did his internship with our high school football team this year (and did great btw!). We even have the child star Jae Head of Will Smith's 'Hancock' and Sandra Bullock's 'The Blind Side' living 30 miles down the road. He even visited my place of employment the other day.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's not half bad.

Yes, I have to drive 35 miles to get to Wal Mart.

Yes, I'm over an hour from the nearest decent mall (Sorry Heartland Mall in Early).

..and to get the nearest Starbucks it'd be over an hour roundtrip.

BUT, I love waking up in the morning and hearing another tractor roll down Highway 16 in front of my house. I love being able to smell fresh cut grass in the summer from the field across the road. I love actually being able to see the sunrise in the morning (if I ever get up that early) and being able to see thousands of stars at night right from my front yard.

You won't get that in Dallas.

There's something great about living in a small town. Being somebody.

Here's to you Comanche, Texas.

Pity Parties, Hagen Daz, and Fresh Starts.

I'm not a hardcore blogger I suppose...I planned on becoming one. However, I fully accept and own up to my inadequacy to record/blog every single day. I'm hit and miss at best..so for the few of you that keep up with me: thanks for loving me regardless..and I'll work on stepping up my game.

Anyway: On to the real reason for this post....

Today I was hit. Very hard.

I was hit with the reality of my past. My past relationships. My past experiences. My past mistakes.

In short, today I came face-to-face with the girl I used to be.

It was almost like pulling a box of long-forgotten pictures or keepsakes from a box under you bed. You always knew they were there..you always remember that the memories and events existed when they're brought up, but until you really sit down and examine them they almost feel like part of a past life. A past existence. Your connection to them is hazy at best...and as long as you can keep them out of plain view from everyone else and out of your own mind your okay with them being there. There will always be that moment when somebody brings them up and they are forced into the light...and you start to relive them. One by one. Every little blip that you kept so nicely packed away is suddenly thrown into the light..and the haze starts to peel back. Your past is exposed and you mentally relive every second as you sort through it all.

Not all of the memories we mentally pack away are unpleasant. Some keep you wishing that you could relive them over and over in slow motion...and then there are ones that you'd rather just hit fast forward on and somehow skip entirely so you can move on to the next scene. Then there are the ones that ripped your heart out. The ones that tore your world apart. The ones that left you asking yourself so many questions. The ones that shaped you into the person you are today..whether it was for better or worse.

I would like to tell you that all of my experiences shaped me into a better person. I would like to tell you that every encounter in my past was a positive life-shaping event.

But that would all be a lie.

I would like to tell you that I did not become bitter and that my emotional scars healed nicely..but they didn't. I have several very obvious flaws..and some of my wounds have healed quicker than others. I look at things a little more critically now, maybe even a little more cynically than I did before some of my experiences. I took off the rose colored glasses a while back..but that was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

A large amount of my wounds have been self inflicted: I put myself too far out there. I let myself trust too much. I was too reckless. I took matters into my own hands. I gave too much. I didn't say enough. I was just a child. I fell..and I fell hard.

This isn't a pity thing. In fact, I've made peace with my monsters long ago..or I thought I had anyway. I shut each of those chapters on my past-both pleasant and unpleasant-and neatly packed them away into a little space in the back of my heart. But, every now and then something will shake up the organization of my little system and I'm forced to re-examine and rehash all of my old transgressions. Today was that day.

It's not anyone's fault. It's a part of who I am and is shaping the woman that I am becoming. I'll own up to them..maybe not proudly, but I will take responsibility for my actions.

But why the all-out attack? Why the condemnation? Why the feeling of deep inadequacy? Why the sudden temptation to 'go back to what you know'? Why am I feeling as I that is all I'll ever be remembered by or ever amount to? Why the 'What if's?

Those of you who know me well know that I'm not the girl with a scripture for everything..neither do I claim to be a spiritual guru or a super spiritual individual by any means. However, all I know is that there are only two alternatives to my present situation:

I can either go back to where I came from and try to right my wrongs.

or

I can pick up the pieces and remember that I don't have to be defined by the things that once constrained me.

So I've made my decision..and I hope that this will help you make yours.

Phillippians 3:13-14

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.

So ladies and gentlemen:

I could go back. I could even make myself think that I'd be happier that way.

I could over look how terrible it all was and pretend that I now know that there is something more and something better for me. I could lie to myself..but that wouldn't change the truth that all of those mistakes and terrible heart-wrenching moments in my life really were the best things that could've ever happened to me.

I'm not saying in any way that my screw-ups were somehow ordained by God as part of his 'divine will' or anything..but I will say that He took the absolute crap I had managed to trap myself in, gave me an escape route, and made me a stronger, wiser, more sensitive person for it all.

I've been hurt..but I believe all-the-more in showing compassion now.

I've had my heart broken..but it only taught me to love deeper.

I've had my trust betrayed..but I'm learning to believe again.

I've been bruised..but that hasn't stopped me from fighting.

You're allowed to have a bad day. Cry. Hole up in your room with a pint of Hagen Daz. Waste a box of Kleenex and have a full-on pity party...but the next day you have to make a decision.

Be a victim or a victor..and really, the choice is up to you.

You have to either accept who you were and perfect the person that you ARE today or you'll be forced to live in the shadows or your 'former life'.

Either way, life is moving on.

And we should too.

Love, Love, Love...I Want Your Love

These days it seems like the whole world is caving in...or maybe its just the chaos that we know as "Pre-Finals' Week Stress Syndrome". I'm gonna keep this short and sweet tonight...partially because it's 1:45 a.m...and partially in part to the fact that I'm going on an insanely low amount of sleep this week.

We all want love.

We all want to feel as if we matter to somebody.

We all want to be cherished.

Doted upon. Cared for. Thought about. Remebered.

It's normal.

It's healthy.

It's human.

The thing that sets us apart from the rest of the critters out there is our ability to love!

Why shy away from that for any reason? Why abandon your shot at true love for anybody or anything less than God himself?

Don't be silly, ladies.

Don't make excuses. Don't run away.

Don't be shy. Don't be afraid.

Love deeply. Purely.

Don't be afraid to jump in.

..and whatever you do, don't close your eyes.

Falling is the most beautiful part of it all.

Matthew 5:4 ♥

Today I decided to just curl up in bed and enjoy some quiet time to reflect on all that has happened in the past few days and the events on the horizon. Tomorrow is the day that I drive to Louisiana to spend time with the family and remember my sweet Uncle Dave before we lay him to rest on Tuesday. Those words don't feel as if they should be coming out of my mouth...the reality of it all hasn't hit. That's pretty much it. It's hard to accept the reality of what has happened.

In my search for peace and answers I started looking up as many Bible verses as I could find on coping with death and loss. For the most part I found the same Bible verses I had always heard at funerals...but then I read Matthew 5:4.

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you.

Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you"

That one verse brought to much comfort to me. I was so blessed to have this amazing person in my life for 20 years and to be able to love him. I am blessed for all the memories I have of trips to Louisiana to see him, sitting on the floor listening to all the long talks he had with my father, that big laugh that filled the room, and his sweet Cajun voice as he told us he loved us. We were blessed to have him. Blessed to love him. Blessed to forever have his memory in our hearts.

Now, although the man we remember is no longer with us, we have love to carry us. We have the love of the Father to embrace us and bring us the comfort that some sweet, sweet day we're going to walk down streets of gold hand-in-hand with this beloved man of God. So thankful for God's promise and his comfort in times like this when all else seems to be gone. Thankful for being loved..and for the chance to love. I am blessed.