Ode to Small Town, USA

This morning I woke a lil' late (which is nothing all too unusual really). There's nothing altogether graceful about me before 12 p.m., so I stumbled through the house with Tyson in my arms and walked out on the front porch to let him do his thing. I was sitting there on the porch waiting on him when I noticed a very slow moving tractor rolling down the highway. Yes. A tractor.

It's nothing all that out of the ordinary, but it really made me just sit there and think "Wow, I live in the sticks". HaHa. I moved to Comanche about 3 years ago from suburbia. (And for all of you Iowa Park-ians disagreeing with that statement, I challenge you to visit Comanche and then I'm sure you'll agree that Comanche definitely is more 'country'). Iowa Park was a little bedroom community small enough to know everybody else's business but still close enough to Wichita Falls (and a decent mall at that) to really have any complaints about going without. Little did I know back then that I would one day live in a little town much smaller, and much farther from any decent shopping.

The shocking fact of the matter is that I really don't have it.

So much has changed about me since I moved to this area. I've been to real rodeos..the kind that don't include acclaimed country stars and fancy lighting, but rather draw hundreds of legit child bull riders out of the woodwork. You don't find that in the city. Here I found that most can identify the caliber of a person by their belt buckle more quickly than they could ever spot a pair of Jimmy Choos. In fact, brand names mean nothing around here...and its a nice change. I've learned bits of pieces of Spanish that I never would have heard in a classroom...and by that I mean that I've learned what not to say (haha). I've learned that, for the most part, fun is free and there's really nothing bad about being able to say that you had a graduating class of only 93 people.

You may can count the number of restaurants in town on both hands, but you can guarantee that most of the owners know you by name and you'll have a waitress who can pretty much walk up to you and ask if you want you 'usual'. The mayor may also be your eye doctor..but at least that way you don't have to go to the trouble of making that extra appointment when you need to talk to him about making a change. Just go for your check-up and give your two cents while you sit in the chair.

It's funny that some very influential and famous people has chosen to sittle here and live nearby. Jewel and Ty Murray live about 40 miles away in neighboring Stephenville. There's a retired NFL player who lives down the road,put his children in the CISD school system, and is investing in the community. Another NFL player on the road to his own position as an NFL scout, and eventually coach, did his internship with our high school football team this year (and did great btw!). We even have the child star Jae Head of Will Smith's 'Hancock' and Sandra Bullock's 'The Blind Side' living 30 miles down the road. He even visited my place of employment the other day.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's not half bad.

Yes, I have to drive 35 miles to get to Wal Mart.

Yes, I'm over an hour from the nearest decent mall (Sorry Heartland Mall in Early).

..and to get the nearest Starbucks it'd be over an hour roundtrip.

BUT, I love waking up in the morning and hearing another tractor roll down Highway 16 in front of my house. I love being able to smell fresh cut grass in the summer from the field across the road. I love actually being able to see the sunrise in the morning (if I ever get up that early) and being able to see thousands of stars at night right from my front yard.

You won't get that in Dallas.

There's something great about living in a small town. Being somebody.

Here's to you Comanche, Texas.

Pity Parties, Hagen Daz, and Fresh Starts.

I'm not a hardcore blogger I suppose...I planned on becoming one. However, I fully accept and own up to my inadequacy to record/blog every single day. I'm hit and miss at best..so for the few of you that keep up with me: thanks for loving me regardless..and I'll work on stepping up my game.

Anyway: On to the real reason for this post....

Today I was hit. Very hard.

I was hit with the reality of my past. My past relationships. My past experiences. My past mistakes.

In short, today I came face-to-face with the girl I used to be.

It was almost like pulling a box of long-forgotten pictures or keepsakes from a box under you bed. You always knew they were there..you always remember that the memories and events existed when they're brought up, but until you really sit down and examine them they almost feel like part of a past life. A past existence. Your connection to them is hazy at best...and as long as you can keep them out of plain view from everyone else and out of your own mind your okay with them being there. There will always be that moment when somebody brings them up and they are forced into the light...and you start to relive them. One by one. Every little blip that you kept so nicely packed away is suddenly thrown into the light..and the haze starts to peel back. Your past is exposed and you mentally relive every second as you sort through it all.

Not all of the memories we mentally pack away are unpleasant. Some keep you wishing that you could relive them over and over in slow motion...and then there are ones that you'd rather just hit fast forward on and somehow skip entirely so you can move on to the next scene. Then there are the ones that ripped your heart out. The ones that tore your world apart. The ones that left you asking yourself so many questions. The ones that shaped you into the person you are today..whether it was for better or worse.

I would like to tell you that all of my experiences shaped me into a better person. I would like to tell you that every encounter in my past was a positive life-shaping event.

But that would all be a lie.

I would like to tell you that I did not become bitter and that my emotional scars healed nicely..but they didn't. I have several very obvious flaws..and some of my wounds have healed quicker than others. I look at things a little more critically now, maybe even a little more cynically than I did before some of my experiences. I took off the rose colored glasses a while back..but that was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

A large amount of my wounds have been self inflicted: I put myself too far out there. I let myself trust too much. I was too reckless. I took matters into my own hands. I gave too much. I didn't say enough. I was just a child. I fell..and I fell hard.

This isn't a pity thing. In fact, I've made peace with my monsters long ago..or I thought I had anyway. I shut each of those chapters on my past-both pleasant and unpleasant-and neatly packed them away into a little space in the back of my heart. But, every now and then something will shake up the organization of my little system and I'm forced to re-examine and rehash all of my old transgressions. Today was that day.

It's not anyone's fault. It's a part of who I am and is shaping the woman that I am becoming. I'll own up to them..maybe not proudly, but I will take responsibility for my actions.

But why the all-out attack? Why the condemnation? Why the feeling of deep inadequacy? Why the sudden temptation to 'go back to what you know'? Why am I feeling as I that is all I'll ever be remembered by or ever amount to? Why the 'What if's?

Those of you who know me well know that I'm not the girl with a scripture for everything..neither do I claim to be a spiritual guru or a super spiritual individual by any means. However, all I know is that there are only two alternatives to my present situation:

I can either go back to where I came from and try to right my wrongs.

or

I can pick up the pieces and remember that I don't have to be defined by the things that once constrained me.

So I've made my decision..and I hope that this will help you make yours.

Phillippians 3:13-14

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.

So ladies and gentlemen:

I could go back. I could even make myself think that I'd be happier that way.

I could over look how terrible it all was and pretend that I now know that there is something more and something better for me. I could lie to myself..but that wouldn't change the truth that all of those mistakes and terrible heart-wrenching moments in my life really were the best things that could've ever happened to me.

I'm not saying in any way that my screw-ups were somehow ordained by God as part of his 'divine will' or anything..but I will say that He took the absolute crap I had managed to trap myself in, gave me an escape route, and made me a stronger, wiser, more sensitive person for it all.

I've been hurt..but I believe all-the-more in showing compassion now.

I've had my heart broken..but it only taught me to love deeper.

I've had my trust betrayed..but I'm learning to believe again.

I've been bruised..but that hasn't stopped me from fighting.

You're allowed to have a bad day. Cry. Hole up in your room with a pint of Hagen Daz. Waste a box of Kleenex and have a full-on pity party...but the next day you have to make a decision.

Be a victim or a victor..and really, the choice is up to you.

You have to either accept who you were and perfect the person that you ARE today or you'll be forced to live in the shadows or your 'former life'.

Either way, life is moving on.

And we should too.